“I’m Not Mad, I Just Need... Something?” — The Five A’s of Mindful Loving

Scott McDougal
Jul 11
3 min read

There was a time early in my marriage when I found myself irritable and jealous.

My wife had just started attending Vanderbilt University, and I was suddenly watching her dive into a whole new world—new friends, new mentors, a new sense of purpose. Meanwhile, I was... well, still me. I wanted her to go there, sure. Happy for her? Kind of?

I didn’t know why at first. I wasn’t angry at her exactly—I was just off, not okay. My patience was short. I felt weirdly rejected by little things, like her getting home late or being too tired to talk. Of course, I didn’t say anything vulnerable like, “Hey, I think I’m missing affection and attention.” I mostly just distracted myself.

What I didn’t realize at the time is that I was missing something very simple—but very important: the five A’s of mindful loving, a concept developed by psychotherapist David Richo.

And I definitely didn’t yet have the mindfulness skills to notice, in the moment, Oh, I’m upset because I need more connection—not because she’s doing anything wrong.

Partners meeting each other's emotional needs. — Partners meeting needs.

What Are the Five A’s of Mindful Loving?

David Richo’s five A’s are five essential elements of healthy love—whether in a romantic relationship, friendship, business relationship or even the way we relate to ourselves (See the IFS page four this one).

They are:

Attention – Being seen, heard, and noticed without distraction
Acceptance – Being welcomed as you are, without needing to change
Appreciation – Feeling valued and cherished
Affection – Receiving warmth, touch, and emotional closeness
Allowance – The freedom to be yourself, even when it’s messy

These five A’s function like emotional nutrients. We may not always notice when they’re present, but we sure feel it when they’re missing—kind of like vitamin D or fiber.

How This Showed Up for Me

Back to the early Vanderbilt days: my wife was doing what she needed to do—growing, learning, connecting. And me? I was suddenly feeling like a background character in someone else’s coming-of-age movie.

Looking back, it’s almost funny. I didn’t want anything outrageous—just maybe a hug and a “How was your day?” that didn’t compete with a class exam or an enthusiastic new colleague.

But because I lacked the emotional fluency to name what I needed, I did what a lot of us do—I got irritated. Withdrawn. Slightly dramatic, but always in a subtle, poetic way (or so I told myself). Sidebar.. anyone that says men don't need these things doesn't understanding how brains and nervous systems work. All mammals, and yes including human men need pro-social engagement in the form of things like affection and attention.

Using Mindfulness to Recognize What You Need

What I wish I’d known then—and what I now help clients learn—is this:

When you feel upset, it’s often because one of the five A’s is missing.

And mindfulness is the flashlight that helps you see which one.

Instead of getting lost in a swirl of vague frustration or blaming someone else for “not showing up,” mindfulness asks us to pause and ask:

“What am I actually needing right now?” “Am I feeling unseen? Unappreciated?

It sounds simple, but that pause is revolutionary.

The Five A’s as a Therapeutic Tool

In therapy, I often invite clients to check in with the five A’s when they’re stuck in relational distress. Rather than diving into the drama of “what happened,” we look at what need was left unmet.

Were you needing attention but didn’t know how to ask for it?
Did you feel a lack of acceptance for who you are right now?
Were you hoping for appreciation but received silence instead?
Did you crave affection, but your partner was emotionally distant?
Or did you feel your freedom (allowance) being stifled?

The five A’s don’t solve everything—but they do offer a map. And maps are helpful when you’re lost in the weeds of hurt feelings and misunderstood reactions.

A Final Thought: It’s Not About Blame

Missing one of the A’s doesn’t mean someone is failing you. Often, your partner (or friend or coworker) doesn’t even know what you need unless you do.

And that’s the real power of mindful loving—it starts with you. Learning to recognize your needs makes it easier to express them, receive them, and offer them in return.

It's important not to weaponize are get into a tug of war with each other's needs. Make sure you avoid the emotional feedback loops and just say "I understand, I want to meet that need more often".

So, the next time you're folding laundry with unnecessary vigor or feeling strangely irritated by someone’s success... maybe pause. Ask yourself: